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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28224255">Definitions of Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/organizechaos/pseuds/organizechaos'>organizechaos</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Comfort, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heaven is Terrible (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Post-Canon, Rated T for language, Requited Unrequited Love, Trauma, Unrequited Love, can be read as an asexual relationship, he just doesn't know the word for it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:29:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,233</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28224255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/organizechaos/pseuds/organizechaos</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <strong>This story is complete, I’ll update on Monday’s ;)</strong>
</p><p>Aziraphale thinks that all the abuse and trauma he endured in heaven is ‘love’. After being freed after the apocalypse, the angel is beyond happy. He wants nothing more than to spend eternity with Crowley but the demon is ready to put a name to their feelings. They both know that they care for each other deeply and when Crowley finally has the courage to put it in words (‘I love you’), it sends Aziraphale spiraling into believing Crowley will start treating him like heaven did.</p><p>
  <em>"We- we don't have to pretend anymore.” Crowley stuttered out, golden eyes looking frantically about the angel. His sunglasses were clutched tightly in the palm of his hand, “The apocalypse is over, it has been for years. Can't we- can't we say it now?" his voice wavered only slightly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't love you, Crowley." Aziraphale emphasized each word to better help the demon understand. He had never truly loved something in all his years of existence, he didn’t think he was capable. To love another being — especially Crowley... </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I could never love you."</em>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>372</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ATTENTION!<br/>This chapter does NOT need to be read to enjoy this story. This is entirely just Aziraphale’s experiences and Crowley is rarely mentioned. The real story starts in the second chapter, so if this does not interest you then please skip to the next chapter and see if that peaks your interest at all. Thank you &lt;3 that is all &lt;3<br/>P.S. Aziraphale uses they/them pronouns for like a hot sec before gaining his corporation and sticking with he/him.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Consciousness burst behind pale blue eyes.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Aziraphale.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Someone was speaking, <em>she</em> was speaking. She had said a word. That word was a name… it was <em>their</em> name. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>That... that was their job, their purpose. It was what they were supposed to do. <em>Guardian</em>.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Open your eyes my dear.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Their eyes fluttered open, a warm light filling their vision. It wasn’t bright enough to blind him — in fact it was quite comfortable to look at — but the angel did flinch away. After all, it was their first time ‘seeing’ and it was a bit overwhelming. And yet, they felt content here, safe and loved. Not that they knew what those words meant, they just knew that it felt good. Like being embraced in utter warmth.</p><p>Their contentment was disturbed a moment later when footsteps sounded. A figure approached them. It was a stranger, dark and looming. </p><p>In response, Aziraphale tried to burrow into the warmth of her light away from this new figure. They knew she would protect them, no matter what. This new person however, they didn’t have the same presence of <em>her</em>, they were colder, sharper.</p><p>“Is this your newest creation, my lord?” A deep voice ricocheted through the halls of heaven.</p><p>Aziraphale’s eyes tried to focus on this newcomer, taking in a tall, broad looking figure. But they were shadowed in the midst of her light and warmth. It was quite the contrast.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Yes, this is Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate. Give them a corporation, a sword and send them to earth. Their purpose starts soon.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“As you wish. I will make sure they are taken care of and trained by the very best.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Be careful, my dear. They are still young, they do not have knowledge of Before. They don’t know the horrors we have faced. They won’t understand. But give them love as pure as what we once had, they deserve to be happy.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yes my lord.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>I am trusting you Gabriel, this one is special.</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>In a whisper of a calming wind through a meadow, the light and warmth evaporated from around Aziraphale and the cold openness of heaven seeped into their essence. </p><p>If they knew how to cry out, they would’ve.</p><p>“All your creations are <em>special</em>,” Gabriel grumbled as if annoyed. </p><p>However Aziraphale wasn’t paying him any mind, too busy writhing in this absence of light. It was very cold now that she was gone. So drastically different than a moment before, and Aziraphale didn’t like it one bit. </p><p>While they were getting used to this new feeling, white wings slowly enveloped them. They were decidedly not Aziraphale’s own — though they felt they were supposed to have some wings as well but weren’t quite sure where they were yet. </p><p>The wings drew Aziraphale closer to the shadowy figure. Warmth radiated from Gabriel’s own grace at his core and Aziraphale found that delightful. With a sad attempt of a wriggle, they burrowed closer for safety. Gabriel’s grace wasn’t like the light they were embraced with earlier, but it was better than nothing. </p><p>They missed <em>her</em> dreadfully.</p><p>“You’re quite peculiar, little one,” Gabriel huffed, guiding them through the wide expanse of heaven.</p><p>Aziraphale tried their best not to look at the empty halls and the endless expanse of white that was so unnerving as they passed. The place seemed like it was missing something, something important.</p><p>“I had thought she was done creating angels. It wouldn’t fare well for us if you sparked another uprising right after we got rid of the bad bunch,” Gabriel muttered, talking mainly to himself, “But you wouldn’t do that, would you little Aziraphale? No, you won’t. Because <em>I</em> will raise you, <em>I</em> will <em>love</em> you, you will be heaven's perfect little principality, won’t you.”</p><p>Aziraphale looked up at Gabriel, wondering how they were supposed to communicate. How did Gabriel do it, making noises like that? The elder angel had a solid form, limbs, a mouth, even wings! While Aziraphale only had blue eyes and grace. </p><p>They blinked slowly, trying to convey some sort of message to the figure guiding them.</p><p>Gabriel gave a disappointed sigh, “Nevermind. This will all be better once you get your corporation. Come then sunshine, let’s meet the others.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Ew, you’re molting <em>again</em>?!” Principality Noel screwed his face into a grimace.</p><p>Aziraphale, burning red from embarrassment, pressed his disaster of wings tighter against his lean form. If he could’ve hidden them completely, he would’ve. Sadly, he had yet to develop that skill.</p><p>White feathers were <em>everywhere</em>. Against weapon racks, beneath benches, even some war trumpets were stuffed full of the crooked down Aziraphale had been molting. </p><p>Gabriel had once mentioned that this — molting so often — was a newly created angel trait and that he would grow out of eventually. Aziraphale couldn’t wait for that, he hated being the center of attention here.</p><p>“S-sorry,” Aziraphale kneeled to the ground, trying to gather up as many stray feathers as he could in an effort to clean up after himself. But it was no use, the mess had been made.</p><p>“Don’t say sorry to me,” Noel scoffed, “I feel bad for your sparring partner, they’ll have feathers in their hair for <em>eons</em> after a match with you.”</p><p>Aziraphale cringed. He didn’t want to impose on another just because he was in the middle of a molt. No one else should have to suffer because of him.</p><p>“Maybe I can sit this one out,” Aziraphale offered weakly, standing up with an armful of feathers — his efforts to clean were all for naught when more feathers billowed around him — his face flushed.</p><p>“Good luck getting <em>that</em> past Gabriel,” Noel scoffed. He turned with a flourish, grabbing his holy sword and walked briskly out onto the field.</p><p>Aziraphale, with his arms full of feathers, stumbled after him. He couldn’t be late to training again, not after what happened last time.</p><p>He wasn’t half way across the field when a deep voice bellowed, “Aziraphale!”</p><p>The principality flinched as Gabriel strode up to him. </p><p>“Why do you have all of… this?” the archangel demanded, glaring at the white fluff in the angel’s hands. He was looking frustrated already and they hadn’t even started the drills yet.</p><p>“Uh…” The angel tried to stutter out an explanation, “I- I- I’m in molt, sir.”</p><p>“Again <em>already</em>?” Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose. “And your sword...?” he asked with mock patience.</p><p><em>His sword</em>. Aziraphale’s stomach dropped. He had completely forgotten about his sword. </p><p>“I- I- I must’ve left it behind. It was just… just the feathers- I didn’t want to make a mess so I- I-”</p><p>“Enough.” Gabriel snapped his fingers impatiently and the feathers disappeared from Aziraphale’s arms and around his feet. “Go grab your weapon, you don’t want to keep Anael waiting. You’ve already stalled long enough.”</p><p>“Yes sir.” Aziraphale nodded, turning and running as fast as he could back to the weaponry. A trail of white feathers followed him, making an absolute mess of the field. </p><p>The principality nearly tripped several times on the way there and back. He was still getting used to his corporation and the large appendages on his back that just <em>wouldn’t</em> go away. No matter how much he wished they would disappear — especially during times like these. </p><p>None of the other angels ever molted like him. When they did have their once-a-decade molt, they had the day off or sat on the sidelines as someone groomed their wings. It all seemed very nice and pleasurable... for them. </p><p>Aziraphale, on the other hand, was still young. His molts came <em>much</em> more frequently than the older angels. He felt he was <em>always</em> begging for someone to groom him, and couldn’t help but feel guilty each time. </p><p>While the rest of the host were honored when another angel asked to be groomed, his peers seemed disgusted at the thought of <em>touching</em> Aziraphale. </p><p>The look they all gave him upon his request and the heavy sigh of reluctant agreement, it made something clench in the pit of the principality’s stomach. </p><p>He hated it.</p><p>But, Aziraphale had to remember about the love they shared. He was reminded constantly about the true love all heavens creatures held for each other. Powerful enough to raise kingdoms — not that Aziraphale knew what kingdoms were, it was just what he was told — and pure enough to destroy demons — he didn’t know what demons were either, just that they were bad, really bad. </p><p>This love was good, since it was a part of heaven and everything in heaven was good. It cancelled out all other ugly feelings Aziraphale may potentially have held. </p><p>As long as he was loved, he would be alright. He had to keep reminding himself of that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Aziraphale.” Michael walked up to him, voice stern and overpowering. Aziraphale fought the urge not to cower — he had been scolded for doing so a few days prior, “You’re sword is meant to be <em>flaming</em>.”</p><p>“I- I know.” the principality squeaked out. Trying once again to light up the blade but failing, he couldn’t figure it out, “I just- I don’t know how-”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear it.” Michael all but growled, yanking the weapon out of the principalities hand. </p><p>Aziraphale — already having a connection with his sword — automatically reached to retrieve it. Michael ignored him and swung it once. </p><p>Immediately, flames erupted from the blade, singing the principalities fingertips. He yelped and leaped back, curling in on his small frame. He felt too small, too vulnerable, too flammable.</p><p>“What did I say about cowering, Aziraphale?” Michael held out the hilt of the sword for him to take back.</p><p>Aziraphale straightened himself out shakily and received the sword that had just harmed him. <em>Shake it off, your alright, answer the question</em>. “You- you said it’s unbecoming of a soldier.” Once the blade was in his hands, the flames dissipated.</p><p>Michael nodded, glaring at the piece of not-aflame metal before her. “And you are?”</p><p><em>A guardian</em>, Aziraphale thought. Instead he said, “A soldier.”</p><p>“Do well to remember that.”</p><p>“Yes sir.”</p><p>The archangel sighed despondently, crossing her arms over her chest. She still seemed dissatisfied, “I love you Aziraphale. However, that doesn't excuse this incompetence. At this rate, you will be no match for the demons you’ll be facing.”</p><p>“Yes sir.” Aziraphale looked down to the ground, bright white tiles glaring up at him. His sword hung uselessly at his side while a similar feeling plagued his mind.</p><p>Michael leaned over him, her domineering presence overshadowing the young principality, “Don’t be discouraged. Heaven still loves you, <em>I</em> still love you, despite being... slow on the uptake. There’s still time to learn, to become better.”</p><p>The angel nodded. That made sense, he just needed to try a little harder. Focus more on his goal, it was easy. </p><p>Michael looked at him expectantly.</p><p>‘<em>Your sword is meant to be flaming</em>.’</p><p>Taking a deep breath, he tried once again to get his sword to ignite. </p><p>Nothing happened. Not even a spark.</p><p>The archangel sighed and shook her head in disappointment, “That’ll be another week without miracles. I suggest you get more practice in.”</p><p>Aziraphale nodded, biting his lip to hold back the tears. This was the third week in a row now. He really wanted to be good, to be what heaven needed him to be, but he couldn’t get the damn sword to catch fire. If he could just do that, then maybe heaven’s love would feel better, not this suffocating feeling of failure. </p><p>He just needed to be better. That was all.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Wait you don’t know?!” Anael gasped in disbelief, as the other principalities cleaned themselves up after training.</p><p>“He doesn’t know what?” Noel chimed in, letting dark locks fall down their back. They had just adjusted their corporation a few days ago and Aziraphale was in awe that someone could so easily change their body like that. But that's besides the point.</p><p>“He doesn’t know about the Great War!”</p><p>Aziraphale blushed as a chorus of gasps sounded around him. No one had ever mentioned the Great War to him. </p><p>“I keep forgetting you were created after that,” Noel sighed, continuing to polish their armor.</p><p>“What is it?” Aziraphale asked sheepishly, feeling like he was being left out of an inside joke that he <em>should</em> know.</p><p>“Do you know what a war is?” one of his peers spoke up. The principality shook his head, completely lost. “It’s when two sides fight each other.”.</p><p>“Like during training?” Aziraphale tried his best to relate.</p><p>“No, that’s <em>practice</em> for the real thing.” Noel clarified, “We all fought in the Great War, it was pretty gruesome. Turning on our peers like that, but all for the greater good.”</p><p>Aziraphale frowned. <em>Who</em> had they been fighting against?</p><p>Anael was quick to jump into the tale. “Before you were created, there used to be thousands- <em>millions</em> more angels roaming these halls. All with their own divine purpose and loyal to our lord… except for one, that is. Our lord's <em>first</em> creation, an archangel-” </p><p>The principality’s eyes widened at the prospect of a story. He loved when his peers retold events — especially if it was before his time, since he didn’t remember them. Although, he had never heard about her first creation before, so this was bound to be interesting.</p><p>“-He had let doubt and <em>evil</em> corrupt his mind. He was like a plague that took over the darkest corners of our home. Infecting others to follow him into despair and rebellion against our god.”</p><p>Aziraphale gasped, he could feel the others staring at him and were amused by his reaction. But he didn’t care. He was just in so much shock that such an event had <em>happened</em>. Angel’s were supposed to be loyal to her. He couldn’t imagine ever wanting to turn away from her light. She was so good, so perfect, so lovely. Sure, she was distant most of the time, but he could still feel her deep within his core; and he never wanted to lose that.</p><p>“Of course, god wasn’t on board with that. She had her great plan after all.” Anael continued, “And she ordered us to cast down our brethren that dared to question her.”</p><p>Noel jumped in, “It was a bloody battle, grace was bleeding out of all the orifices of the Fallen... She tore it out of them, you see, leaving them in their broken corporations. It was <em>our</em> job to push them over the edge and into Hell. Once we had properly slayed them of course.” they chuckled, “There were a few fighters that were tough to deal with, but we were victorious in the end.”</p><p>Aziraphale grew pale at that. That didn’t sound pleasant at all, pushing your own kind out of heaven seemed to be its own kind of torture. He couldn’t imagine pushing Noel or Anael or any of his peers to such a fate. </p><p>For all the times he had cursed himself for being so young and inexperienced, this was the first time in his life that Aziraphale was glad to be born after such an event. </p><p>“Don’t feel bad for them,” Anael had the audacity to laugh as he sauntered over to the shell-shocked principality, “The Fallen turned into cursed creatures after the Fall. Spiders, Frogs, Snakes! All gruesome and monstrous demons. They can’t feel. They’ve forgotten how to love and they don’t deserve your mercy.” He threw an arm around the principality’s waist, in what was supposed to be a camaraderie gesture. “Besides, they’re all unspeakably cruel and evil.”</p><p>Aziraphale felt uncomfortable at the touch, feeling too close to this angel, too vulnerable with that hand on him.</p><p>“But it’s okay, we love you. You’re safe with us,” Anael, tightened his grip, fingers digging into principalities skin to the point that it was painful. “Just keep up the good work and you’ll be smiting demons in no time.”</p><p>Aziraphale gulped and nodded, taking a moment to pray that he would never actually meet a demon he would have to slay. Now that he knew that those creatures used to be of the same stock as him, he couldn’t imagine destroying one.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Aziraphale! What have you done?!” Gabriel’s voice echoed down the hall as he stalked up to the principality. He was looking furious.</p><p>Aziraphale jumped from where he was polishing his sword. Had he done something wrong? Had he missed an order of some sorts? He could have sworn he was being sent down to Eden tomorrow, but maybe he had misread it and it was actually today?!</p><p>He froze as possibilities raced through his mind. <em>What was Gabriel talking about?</em></p><p>Eventually he noticed the archangel’s pointed glare towards the principalities mid section and understanding dawned on him.</p><p>“It’s- it’s just a little corporation modification.” Aziraphale said quietly, fidgeting his hands in front of himself. He had just gotten it done this morning. After many many many years of training and reprimands and miracle shortages, he had finally found enough time and earned enough wages to get the changes that he wanted. Had <em>been</em> wanting.</p><p>“I love you, and this is why I have to say this: You look <em>awful</em>.” Gabriel frowned disapprovingly, “much too soft to be a soldier, you should change back. We need you to be <em>lean</em> Aziraphale, you start your job tomorrow.”</p><p>Aziraphale looked down at the ground, embarrassed. He had worked really hard to get these modifications done. No matter the dirty looks from the angel’s that helped with the paperwork, he had done it. He was proud of it. Proud of himself.</p><p>“I- I kinda like it, Gabriel. Can I- can I keep it for a little longer?” Yes, he was a bit plumpier, more cushion, very soft. But he didn’t feel as vulnerable this way, he felt stronger and safe. As if this thicker skin could protect him from the beratements of his superiors. Scenarios such as this.</p><p>The archangel fumed, “It isn’t practical by any means! Demon’s will be on you at any moment and don’t come crying to me when you get discorporated. You’re making yourself an easy target, a fool of heaven! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”</p><p>It wasn’t an outright ‘no’ Aziraphale decided for himself. Letting the order be interpreted as being allowed to keep this corporation as is until being discorporated or explicitly ordered to change it.</p><p>Gabriel stormed away, probably having better things to do than harass the young principality, leaving Aziraphale all by himself. A dark bundle of nerves took hold in his gut.</p><p>He honestly didn’t think anyone would notice. No one commented on Noel when they made their hair longer and got rid of their gender. They even complimented them! What was wrong with his change? Was it that much more different? Was he that much worse?</p><p>The young principality cursed himself. He should’ve expected this, shouldn’t have changed a thing. With his luck — and taking into account the way the archangels loved him — any new change to his corporation would be commented on with intense scrutiny. It would be best to not change <em>anything</em> in hopes they will forget in a decade or two. </p><p>It didn’t matter though, really. They still loved him and they still <em>would </em>love him. No matter if it hurt his feelings or not, as long as there was love in the equation it was all okay. He just had to keep telling himself that.</p><p>
  <em>They love you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“What took you so long <em>this</em> time?” Uriel huffed, crossing their arms over their chest in obvious irritation.</p><p>Aziraphale swayed nervously from where he stood in front of the council of archangels, “Well, I had taken a wrong turn at the Nile — it’s very long you know — and then there was this poor-”</p><p>“We don’t <em>actually</em> care.” Gabriel interrupted, lifting his hand to stop the principality from speaking. “If this is just going to be another tale of you getting lost on our lord's little ‘human habitat’, we don’t want to hear it.”</p><p>Aziraphale gulped, feeling his hands start to shake so he placed them behind him. Best not to show weakness. It would just make things worse.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know what the issue is, Aziraphale.” Michael started, “Earth isn’t even that big, your assignments aren’t difficult, are they?”</p><p>“No, not at all.” Aziraphale rushed, he couldn’t admit that he was struggling with things on Earth. That would be a weakness, he might be recalled because of it.</p><p>The truth was, Earth wasn’t that big or confusing to navigate, not for an angel with wings. But Aziraphale refused to use his wings. </p><p>When he had first worked out miracles long ago, he hid those long limbs from view and <em>never</em> took them out again. There were probably dozens of molts in there, making it nearly impossible to fly without an intense grooming session — which was unlikely going to happen for him anytime soon; the heavenly host had already made their distaste for the young principality quite apparent.</p><p>“Then stop messing up. It’s that simple,” Michael said pointedly, eyes sharp and cutting right into him, “You know we love you but we’ve decided that this is the final straw. We will have to take action against misbehavior.”</p><p>Aziraphale stiffened, not liking the idea of a reprimand at this moment. This was only his second time being late with his assignment and he really did get lost. If it wasn’t for miracles, he wouldn’t have been able to complete the assignment at all.</p><p>“Your miracle’s will now be on a limit, you should be familiar with the process by now.” Michael’s glare was becoming too much to handle, Aziraphale bowed his head.</p><p>Yes, he was all too familiar with having constraints on miracles. He had spent the majority of his life in heaven on that punishment.</p><p>“Here’s your new assignment,” Uriel handed him an envelope, “I suggest you get a move on. We can’t afford another late blessing.”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” Aziraphale said quietly as he was transported back down to earth in a completely unfamiliar location.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Aziraphale, what are you doing?”</p><p>The principality froze mid chew, heart dropping. This was the first time Michael had visited him on earth, he wasn’t expecting this. Gulping, he removed his hand from the bowl of grapes and folded them in his lap politely.</p><p>“Er… eating?” he said, contemplating whether he should stand up and face the archangel Michael properly, or just remain where he was.</p><p>“We’re angels, we don’t need to eat.” Michael said harshly, snapping the bowl out of existence.</p><p>Aziraphale stared at where it had just been, the taste of grapes turning sour in his mouth. He had really been enjoying those, why did Michael feel the need to take it away from him?</p><p>“What brings you here, Michael?” the young principality asked, bowing his head just slightly. He needed to be respectful, he couldn’t afford anymore reprimands.</p><p>“Just checking up on you,” she said with a sniff as she looked around the angel’s humble abode, distaste clear on her features. “We haven’t seen you in heaven for a while, wanted to make sure you were on top of your assignments.”</p><p>Aziraphale gulped, palms starting to sweat.</p><p>“Which you <em>aren’t</em>, I see.” MIchael scowled, “too busy consuming gross matter, perhaps?”</p><p>“Mi- michael-”</p><p>“We love you, Aziraphale. But this is getting ridiculous! Why do you have to make it so damn difficult for us all the time?!”</p><p>Aziraphale tried to come up with something. An apology, a plea, just <em>something</em> so that Michael would stop getting too angry. Archangel’s did destructive things when they were angry and Aziraphale hated being on the receiving end of those.</p><p>Michael paused to inhale deeply, seeming to calm herself, “You have a <em>job</em> Aziraphale, a god-given purpose. For her sake take it seriously.”</p><p>“I- I will.” Aziraphale nodded, knowing he had gone extremely pale and that his entire body was shaking like a scared animal. It was pathetic.</p><p>“Good.” the archangel straightened out her already impeccable coat, and set her shoulders back, “I expect you to jump to action immediately, no more of this <em>food</em> nonsense. Leave that to the other foul creatures on this planet.”</p><p>“Y- yes Michael.”</p><p>In a flash, the archangel disappeared, briefly blinding the principality.</p><p>When he was sure that she was gone, Aziraphale heaved a shaky sigh and got to his feet. </p><p>Right in front of him was a scorched circle where Michael had been standing. She had burned straight through the carpet and indented the wood below. Aziraphale knew that that would’ve been inevitable — given how angry he had gotten Michael — but it didn’t make his heart hurt any less for the damage done to his home.</p><p>He paced over to his desk, wondering which assignment he was behind on. It had to be important since heaven had sent <em>Michael</em> down to remind him about it. </p><p>Carding through the paperwork, he found no urgent ones. It seemed she had come on her own accord simply to check in or she was really worried about his blessing that was to be performed in a month.</p><p>Nevertheless, the young principality paced for the rest of the day, feeling restless. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“It has to burn Aziraphale.” Gabriel said calmly, holding the struggling principality to his side. His figure, being naturally bigger and stronger, was easily able to subdue Aziraphale.</p><p>“But why?!” the angel cried out, tears flowing steadily down his cheeks as he took in the sight of the library burning.</p><p>“For the same reason the world flooded, sunshine. It’s part of the great plan.” Gabriel said sternly, hand tightening around him.</p><p>“No!” Aziraphale screamed, trying his hardest to break out of the archangel’s hold. The smell of burning paper filling his nostrils. There was so much information in there, so much that <em>he</em> had gathered and shared with the humans. It couldn’t burn, <em>it couldn’t</em>.</p><p>Without warning, fingers dug into his shoulders and Aziraphale’s world blurred as he was shoved into the nearest wall, hard. Gabriel loomed over him, a look of divine fury gracing his features.</p><p>“You <em>dare</em> question her methods?!” he spoke low but his tone was more than enough for terror to seize him.</p><p>Aziraphale tried to make his mouth form words, “N- no. Of course- of course not.” he gasped out as smoke filled his lungs. Ash was floating down around them, a reminder of what was burning; but Aziraphale couldn’t think of that when he had just angered one of his bosses. Archangels’ love always hurt most when they were angry.</p><p>“Then stop acting like it! Let this happen like it’s <em>meant</em> to.” Gabriel ordered darkly.</p><p>Words failed the principality so he just nodded, feeling a lump creep it’s way up his throat.</p><p>Gabriel let go of him, eyes darkening as he turned back to the burning library, “Despite your failures, we still love you Aziraphale, remember that.”</p><p>The angel squeezed his eyes shut, pressing himself against the wall to stay standing. How could he forget that heaven still loved him when it hurt like <em>this</em> every time?</p><p>The archangel cleared his throat and Aziraphale’s eyes fluttered open, “<em>Watch</em>.” Gabriel ordered, gesturing to the flames.</p><p>With a gulp, the principality forced his gaze back to the burning library. Tears were already tracking through his soot streaked face. </p><p>It hurt so much to be loved, he realized not for the first time, but perhaps with the most certainty. He couldn’t understand why humans idealized it all the time when <em>this</em> is what it felt like. Like the burning pages floated around him. Or the sparks in the wind drifted through the air like cursed fireflies. The golden heat of the flames licking the building were reflected in the angel’s core. </p><p>Aziraphale tried to hold in his tears and pitiful sobs as the citizens scrambled around the pair of ethereals to recover as much as they could. They wouldn’t be successful, not in the slightest. </p><p>He would be punished, Aziraphale knew he would be. He had crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed, said ‘no’ to his superior. But it was a library! Hard-earned knowledge that was just getting blown into the wind like it was nothing. He had even worked in this building for a few years, he had <em>liked</em> it.</p><p>“We will call you for a debriefing soon,” Gabriel’s deep voice intruded on the angel’s thoughts, “Don’t be late.”</p><p>Aziraphale couldn’t do anything but nod, gaze frozen on the building in front of him. As he had been ordered to.</p><p>Not a moment later, the archangel disappeared in a flash of light.</p><p>Left alone in an alleyway, Aziraphale didn’t know what to do with himself. There wasn’t much else for him to do but collapse to his knees and sob.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So tell me again, what happened?” Gabriel hummed, his large strides leaving Aziraphale nearly jogging to keep up with him. The two were ‘strolling’ in one of the royal gardens discussing Aziraphale’s latest assignment.</p><p>“I’m saying that it’s not demonic work.” Aziraphale repeated again, careful to keep the annoyance out of his tone. They had been talking for a while and Gabriel was still not getting it. “I’ve searched everywhere, not even a trace of sulfur or malice around the place.”</p><p>The archangel hummed as if not entirely invested in this conversation. That wasn’t new.</p><p>“I placed the wards as you asked but there was nothing to ward <em>against</em>. Whatever cruelty that’s occurring, it’s human work.”</p><p>“That’s impossible Aziraphale, you must’ve just gotten the warding wrong.” Gabriel barely cast a glance at the principality, “Wouldn’t be the first time a devil has slipped through your fingers.”</p><p>Aziraphale’s heart skipped a beat but he kept his face carefully neutral. </p><p>Did Gabriel know about his friendship with Crowley? Did he know they had dinner plans this evening? </p><p>No, that was impossible. Aziraphale was <em>extremely</em> careful with his relationship with Crowley and the demon's safety against heaven. Gabriel was probably just being needlessly cruel, as per usual. That’s just how his love <em>felt</em>. </p><p>You would think Aziraphale would've been used to it by now.</p><p>The archangel sighed and sped up his pace so now Aziraphale was definitely running to catch up. </p><p>“We have it on very good sources that this is demonic work, you’re just doing it wrong.” Gabriel said sternly. “I should’ve never trusted you with this, you always mess it up.”</p><p>Aziraphale bit down a defense of his previous actions, knowing it would be dismissed.“I- I can keep looking, I have another lead that I can try.” he panted, not really wanting to go to Crowley about this but knew if they sent someone new down and did his work for him, he would be reprimanded (and there was that lovely snake statue that the demon had been eyeing that Aziraphale was hoping to spare a miracle to buy for him). </p><p>If he could convince Crowley to mess around with the humans, then Aziraphale could make a big show of thwarting him. That would be the much preferable option. Much better than having more angels down on earth.</p><p>Gabriel groaned, “Why didn’t you say that earlier?” he stopped his truly excessive pace to turn on the breathless principality. “What do I keep saying Aziraphale? Try every other option <em>before</em> contacting me. I love you but my time is precious and I have better uses of it than wandering around earth talking with <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Aziraphale nodded, trying to get his breathing to slow down and to stop sweating.</p><p>“Figure it out or I <em>will</em> get Michael involved. She’s not going to be as patient as me.” Gabriel ordered.</p><p>“Yes sir.” Aziraphale’s gaze fell to the floor and the archangel disappeared in a flash of light. His heart was racing not only from the excessive walking but also from the fear he had been pushing to the back of his mind during that entire encounter.</p><p>He hated talking with archangels, they always made him feel useless and weak. Like <em>he</em> was the one in the wrong and that they were always in the right. It was quite disorienting at times and called for him to second guess himself nearly constantly.  </p><p>Nevertheless, he should feel honored that he was still in their good graces despite his failures. They really did love him and it surely was a good thing. He just had to keep reminding himself of that after scenarios like these. </p><p>He was Aziraphale, Guardian of the Eastern Gate. He was a symbol of love and forgiveness and an ambassador of heaven to earth, beloved by the host. </p><p>Love may hurt most times, but it was always for the greater good.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this mountain of pain I have piled upon our precious angel. The real story will start on the next chapter and will start with a bang! So be prepared. See you next week ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Confession</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Now, my lovelies, the part you’ve been waiting for… the actual story ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I love you." </p>
<p>Aziraphale stiffened from where he was pouring tea, he hadn’t heard that phrase in years. Not since... heaven.</p>
<p>"Pardon?"</p>
<p>Crowley cleared his throat, "Erm, I love you."</p>
<p>"No you don't." Aziraphale said curtly, setting the tea kettle down with a thud. </p>
<p>At one point in Aziraphale’s long life, hearing those three words spill from Crowley’s mouth had been one of his deepest fears. But he had grown past that centuries ago, realizing the very idea of Crowley having such feelings for him was absolutely <em>preposterous</em>. </p>
<p>Never, in all their existence together, had the demon shown an ounce of love towards him. Aziraphale had been confident that it would stay that way... until now. </p>
<p>But surely the demon was lying, he was a fiend after all. This must be a joke of some sorts. One that was needlessly cruel — which wasn’t usually the demon’s style, but Aziraphale wouldn’t put it past him.</p>
<p>"We- we don't have to pretend anymore.” Crowley stuttered out, golden eyes looking frantically about the angel. His sunglasses were clutched tightly in the palm of his hand, “The apocalypse is over, it has been for <em>years</em>. Can't we- can't we say it now?" his voice wavered only slightly.</p>
<p>"I don't love you, Crowley." Aziraphale emphasized each word to better help the demon <em>understand</em>. </p>
<p>First of all, how dare Crowley even <em>suggest</em> such a thing? There was no love in their relationship, there never was. Secondly, where did this ‘<em>we</em>’ thing come in? Aziraphale had <em>never</em> loved Crowley. That was a fact. Aziraphale had never truly loved something in all his years of existence, he didn’t think he was capable. To love another being — <em>especially</em> Crowley... </p>
<p>"I could never love you."</p>
<p>He meant it as an assurance, as a ‘don’t worry, these unfortunate feelings you hold for me — if this isn’t a humorless joke — will not change my treatment of you my good friend’ sentiment. </p>
<p>Though, from the demon’s expression, Crowley seemed to have taken it quite wrongly. Did he, perhaps, <em>want</em> to be loved? Was this not a joke? But that was ridiculous.</p>
<p>"Oh..." the demon stood a bit shakily on his feet, "I see."</p>
<p>Aziraphale grimaced. Whatever he had said had obviously hurt Crowley, and he never intended for that. No matter what sort of ill-timed profession of love had poured out his mouth, Aziraphale was willing to forgive and forget.</p>
<p>"I'll just be going then," Crowley mumbled, stumbling to the door in a rush. The sunglasses were back in place, a dark barrier dividing them.</p>
<p>"Uh… I-” the angel fumbled for a reason to get the demon to stay. He would hate for the evening to end on such a heavy note, surely there was something he could do to make it better. “Our dinner plans tomorrow! Are we still going to the Ritz?" he called after him. </p>
<p>Yes, Crowley might have let slip an unfortunate phrase. However, that didn’t mean they had to cancel their plans. It was just a joke, wasn’t it? Perhaps the demon would forget the silly notion in the morning and they could continue on as they had been. </p>
<p>Crowley nodded shortly as he scrambled to get to his Bentley.  </p>
<p>Aziraphale walked briskly to the swinging door of his shop and watched as the demon slammed the car door closed. Through the window, he could see Crowley frantically fumble with his keys before jamming them into the ignition. Not a moment later and Crowley was peeling off into the night at an ungodly speed.</p>
<p>The angel sighed despondently at the sight. </p>
<p>Why had Crowley brought this up? </p>
<p>The demon? Loving him? Unthinkable.</p>
<p>Crowley had been by his side through everything. Had indulged the angel’s fancies and hobbies. He had never once passed unsavory judgement upon the angel and his choices. The demon, who had — up until just a few minutes ago — always made Aziraphale feel safe and at peace.</p>
<p>So Crowley must be lying. It was a joke of sorts.</p>
<p>It must be.</p>
<p>As the night dragged on — and Aziraphale <em>did</em> try to continue as he would’ve had the evening gone splendidly — something ugly and twisted weaved through the angel’s corporation. A sense of doubt trickled in through all the little nicks and crannies of Aziraphale’s mind. His confidence in Crowley’s consistent character was beginning to crack, a trace of fear leaking into his consciousness over the confession.</p>
<p>The thing that kept pestering him was that Crowley <em>never</em> lied to him, ever. No matter how much Aziraphale wished he had or thought he did, the demon didn’t. Nor had the demon ever said a joke so hurtful before. </p>
<p>Crowley had proved himself time and time again to be honest and truthful and <em>kind</em> with the angel. </p>
<p>‘<em>I love you</em>.’ </p>
<p>So Crowley <em>hadn’t</em> been lying. He <em>hadn’t</em> been joking. But what he said wasn’t <em>kind</em>.</p>
<p>Aziraphale’s breath came short as he stumbled back to his armchair from organizing some books. He needed to sit, collect his thoughts.</p>
<p>It wasn’t making sense. <em>Nothing</em> was making sense</p>
<p>Aziraphale had arrived on earth six-thousand years ago after being trained and raised in the halls of heaven. The host had been very clear about the definition of love, it was their speciality, their profession. Sure, the humans had mixed up their emotions during their millenia on earth, but Aziraphale knew the truth. All celestials did. <em>Crowley</em> did.</p>
<p>His hands fidgeted, tugging at the bottom of his waistcoat. Doubt kept creeping in.</p>
<p>What had changed between them to warrant such an admission?</p>
<p>Maybe something had happened after the apocalypse? Now that they were not aligned with their respective sides, it was perfectly possible that Crowley had grown dissatisfied. The demon might not be as exuberant about their current arrangement as the angel was. He obviously wanted something. </p>
<p>‘<em>I love you.</em>’</p>
<p>Aziraphale shuddered. It was fairly straight-forward what the demon wanted, it was just whether the angel would have the strength to convince Crowley to stop. Or the courage to remove himself from the situation, to leave his best and only friend.</p>
<p>It seemed like just yesterday that the angel had liberated himself from heaven — in actuality, it was many many years ago. He had escaped their love and had been giddy at the prospect of never being loved again.</p>
<p>Now, that feeling was gone. Snuffed out by three <em>stupid</em> words.</p>
<p>He squeezed his eyes shut. Golden eyes filled his vision. Red curls, tousled and free. Sober lips spilling forth, ‘<em>I love you</em>.’</p>
<p><em>No</em>, Aziraphale felt tears well in his eyes, <em>Please, you can’t. Don’t do this to me.</em></p>
<p>Anyone but him. Anyone but his best friend. His only companion. The being he cared most about in the entire universe. Aziraphale would’ve much preferred letting the entire hosts of heaven, hell, <em>and</em> earth love him, than have the one demon that mattered do so.</p>
<p>It was awful, it was sickening, it was his worst nightmare. </p>
<p>The angel clasped his hands together and prayed that this was just some twisted dream that he could wake up from. But sadly he knew it wasn’t. This was his reality.</p>
<p>Even so, if Aziraphale knew anything, it was that there were ways to avoid it. </p>
<p>The principality had grown quite adept at finding those when working for heaven. Surely he could pull the same tricks now.</p>
<p>He looked around frantically for a distraction. Anything to turn his attention away from these spiraling thoughts. He couldn’t keep thinking like this, it would surely destroy him. </p>
<p>Blindly, his hands grasped the nearest novel he could find. Reading was always a great distraction and Charlotte Bronte was one of the best. Getting lost in the words of clever humans was always the quickest solution. Bathing himself in stories told time and time again could certainly distract him from his reality, at least for a little while.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sound of the Bentley humming outside his door the next evening was not the reassuring thrum Aziraphale had come to know it as. </p>
<p>There were stacks of books beside him that he had read vigorously through the hours. Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf — all piled up around the angel as if a fortress to hide away in. If he was honest, he never wanted to see the light of day again. He much rather bury himself in books than face a world where Crowley <em>loved</em> him. </p>
<p>Aziraphale, taking a deep steadying breath, stood up. </p>
<p>He could do this. It was just one dinner. The demon didn’t mean it when he had said ‘I love you’ yesterday. He <em>didn’t</em>. (Convincing himself of that was the only way Aziraphale could make it through the evening.)</p>
<p>The angel jumped at the sound of the Bentley blaring it’s horn outside. </p>
<p>It was time to go. </p>
<p>Terror gripped the principality’s heart as he focused on putting one foot in front of the other and making it to the door. It felt as if he was walking to his own execution. </p>
<p>He got into the Bentley gingerly. </p>
<p>Crowley wasn't looking at him, but from one glance Aziraphale could tell that there was something off. The demon was very pale and looked almost sick — if demons could get sick. His glasses were set firmly in place and seemed darker than normal. He was in the same outfit as yesterday, looking a bit frumpled as if he had rolled around on the floor before coming here. </p>
<p>"Evening." Aziraphale choked out, following his friends lead to not make eye contact. The two of them were just staring out the front windshield.</p>
<p>"Evening." Crowley responded hoarsely, shifting the car into drive and speeding off. </p>
<p>Immediately, the angel's back was pressed firmly to the back of the chair at the sudden acceleration. He gasped. The demon seemed to be going faster than he normally did — which was a huge feat considering Crowley’s usual speed — and Aziraphale was slightly grateful. The fear of crashing and discorporation had surpassed his fear of being loved… for the moment.</p>
<p>In no time at all, they skidded to the front of the restaurant. The rumble of the engine filling the silence until Crowley cut it off. </p>
<p>The angel took a moment to breathe. Their corporations weren’t in immediate peril any longer. However, he didn’t have much more time to collect himself as Crowley had gotten out of the vehicle already.</p>
<p>"Come on angel." the demon called, not even looking behind him as he sauntered up the steps of the restaurant.</p>
<p>Aziraphale rushed to follow, not wanting to be left behind. Straightening his suit and bow tie, Aziraphale swallowed nervously. The tight ball of his anxiety from the night before making an all too unwelcome appearance.<em> Things were going to be fine.</em></p>
<p>Perhaps Crowley didn’t know what he was talking about when it came to love. It was all a silly mistake. Something to laugh about, Aziraphale was sure.</p>
<p>In the restaurant, Crowley all but collapsed into his usual seat at their table. Aziraphale sat down primly across from him. <em>Just one breath at a time</em>, he told himself. </p>
<p>He moved to pick up the menu, see what the special was — as he always did. But before he could even read the first item, the demon was snapping his fingers and a waiter was by their side.</p>
<p>"We'll get whatever we got last time," Crowley ordered for the both of them. “Make it quick.”</p>
<p>With a sharp nod, the waiter left.</p>
<p>Aziraphale frowned, Crowley had never done that before. "I hadn't decided what I wanted yet." He glared in the demon’s direction.</p>
<p>"Yes, well…" Crowley made a cluster of noises that didn’t make even a lick of sense.</p>
<p>Aziraphale just rolled his eyes and sagged his shoulders a little in defeat. It seemed like <em>someone</em> was in a bit of a rush to leave. Not that he blamed him, Aziraphale wasn't looking forward to this either but he had hoped at least he would have picked something nice for himself to eat.</p>
<p>Crowley huffed and turned to the angel head on. Aziraphale stiffened at the sudden attention.</p>
<p>"There's something you should probably know," Crowley started.</p>
<p><em>Please don't say you still love me</em>, Aziraphale pleaded internally. They had just sat down, he couldn't be bombarded tonight with love. He just wanted a nice evening with his favorite demon. Was that so much to ask?</p>
<p>"I'm going to sleep," Crowley continued, "I'm not sure for how long. Probably for centuries, if I'm lucky. Just thought you should know."</p>
<p>Oh. </p>
<p>Well, at least it wasn't about the love stuff, but this still hurt. Crowley was planning on sleeping for <em>centuries</em>? Who was Aziraphale supposed to talk to? It wasn't like the angel had many friends, he didn't even have heaven he could fall back on — not that he would ever want to, but still. This wasn't ideal. </p>
<p>Usually, the demon took these long naps when things were on bad terms between them. Were things bad now? Aziraphale wasn’t quite sure. Was the angel’s refusal to reciprocate Crowley’s confession driving the demon away? So much so that Crowley was willing to sleep <em>centuries </em>to avoid it? Couldn’t they just talk about it? Perhaps they could come to an agreement.</p>
<p>Aziraphale felt sick to his stomach, but he needed to ask, "Does this- does this have anything to do with the comment you made yesterday?" he asked nervously.</p>
<p>Crowley nodded, picking up the chute of champagne and swallowing it in one gulp.</p>
<p>Aziraphale choked down the lump in his throat. What was he to do? He couldn't decide which was worse, being left alone for the next couple of centuries or loving/being loved by Crowley. Was it even possible to love the demon? Could he really put him through that?</p>
<p>"I- I- I could try to love…" he offered weakly, barely able to make the words come out of his mouth without vomiting.</p>
<p>"I don't want that." Crowley said quickly.</p>
<p>Aziraphale sighed in relief. He didn't blame him, he hated being loved as well. But if Crowley didn't want to be loved, then what was he upset about? What could he possibly- oh... </p>
<p><em>Oh</em>. </p>
<p>He wanted to love Aziraphale.</p>
<p>The angel felt a little light headed at that, his vision blurring. </p>
<p>Now that the demands were explicitly stated — or heavily implied — the angel didn’t know what to do. He didn't want to live another six thousand years — let alone eternity (which would definitely be the case with Crowley) — being loved. But he didn't necessarily want to spend it alone either. </p>
<p>He fretted with his hands underneath the table cloth.</p>
<p>There had to be something he could do. Some arrangement he could suggest. Something to keep Crowley — even if it was just a semblance of the person he had come to care about — in his life.</p>
<p>Maybe being loved wouldn't be that bad this time around. He had survived this long with all of heaven’s and yes, these past few years without it had been absolutely sublime; but if being loved is what it took for the demon to stay… Aziraphale could do it. He needed to.</p>
<p>"What- what if I just… let you?" Aziraphale tried again, fighting down a blush.</p>
<p>"What?" Crowley all but spat, looking like he had also been deep in his thoughts.</p>
<p>The angel swallowed nervously, "I- I could make it easy, loving me. I- I- I won't do anything, or leave. I would just take it. You- you could just… love me?"</p>
<p>It would hurt, Aziraphale knew it would hurt. It was beyond painful just saying those words. But in the end, it would be better than spending eternity alone. He could do it for Crowley, only for him. Only because he had been his best and only friend for millenia. The demon had done so much for him in the past, it was about time the angel paid him back.</p>
<p>"Angel, what are you talking about?" The Crowley's eyebrows were furrowed as he glanced over at the angel, "Is this some kind of allusion to sex?"</p>
<p>"What?" Aziraphale blinked a little at the crude verbiage, "I- I mean it <em>could</em>, but that wasn't my original intention." How did he get <em>sex</em> out of the angel’s offering to be loved? </p>
<p>The demon took off his glasses with a frustrated growl, "Then what the fuck are you talking about?"</p>
<p>The angel's mind reeled. "I thought we were talking about love." Aziraphale responded softly, glancing at the demon. Those golden eyes seemed to pierce through his soul, right to the angel’s core.</p>
<p>"Me too," Crowley quirked an eyebrow, "Why do you talk about it like you're scared?"</p>
<p>Oh shit, oh fuck. They were starting <em>now</em>. <em>That's</em> why Crowley was so confused. Aziraphale had offered and didn't make good on his offer. Shit, shit, <em>shit</em>!</p>
<p>The angel gulped, he wasn't prepared for this. He didn’t think this all the way through. He should have thought it <em>through</em>. </p>
<p>With the archangels he usually had time to prepare. He had learned how to expect when the next beratements would come and the questions. He had yet to learn that with Crowley. They’d never done this before. Aziraphale didn’t know what his love would be like, the questions he would ask, the critiques.</p>
<p>While his mind raced, his mouth was opening and closing, trying to find words. </p>
<p>The demon stared, his eyebrows cinched together, "Aziraphale? Are you okay?"</p>
<p>The angel was ever so grateful for the plate of food that was placed in front of him by their lovely waiter. A distraction! </p>
<p>He nodded curtly and ended the conversation with a strangled, “Yes, just... tickety-boo”. </p>
<p>The food steamed on his plate enticingly. Wafts of flavor filled his nostrils and Aziraphale nearly forgot why he was so terrified for a moment — the Ritz being a truly magical place. But all too soon he remembered and dread squeezed his heart. </p>
<p>He stared down at his food longingly, it really looked delicious. Hopefully Crowley would be kind enough to let him eat. The last entities who had loved him weren’t a huge fan of this habit of his. Would Crowley be different? </p>
<p>Gingerly, he picked up the fork as if waiting for the demon to stop him, to tell him that what he was doing was disgusting and he shouldn't indulge himself like this.</p>
<p>Thankfully, there weren't any comments of the sort.</p>
<p>In fact, the demon was silent for the rest of the meal; not so discretely staring at the former principality. </p>
<p>Aziraphale refused to try and discern what sort of message the demon may be implying with that look. Instead, he took advantage of this meal and did his best to <em>not think</em>. If he let his thoughts spiral after what he had just agreed to, he was bound to mess up and make things worse for himself.</p>
<p>Where the archangels had rather mild reprimands, Aziraphale was <em>not</em> looking forward to unearthing Crowley’s version of discipline. Love and discipline always came hand in hand after all, that was just the way things were. It-</p>
<p><em>Don’t think</em>, he reminded himself.</p>
<p>Aziraphale turned his attention back to the food. He endeavored to enjoy the tastes of the cuisine for just a little longer. For he knew that as soon as he stopped, and Crowley <em>really</em> started to love him, things were only going to get worse.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As you can probably tell, I could’ve split this up into two parts, but I felt like the parts weren’t big enough to warrant differing chapters (I know I always enjoy when fic chapters are long). Next chapter we continue with the angst however I CAN promise that it ends much much <em>much</em> better than this one. In fact you could probably stop reading this fic after the next chapter and be perfectly content. Though I wanted to explore a bit more; hence the fourth chapter.</p>
<p>I hope to see you next week!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Fear</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Howdy Folks!!! You guys ready for some more angst??? Well here it is!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Can I come in?" Crowley asked, hip jutted out against the hood of the Bentley. It was still the same night of that terribly awkward dinner.</p>
<p><em>I was so close to solace,</em> Aziraphale groaned internally, standing in front of the shop door. He tried not to show how the thought of the demon entering the shop — now with the explicit agreement of him being loved — struck fear into the deepest parts of him. </p>
<p>He nodded. It wasn’t like he could refuse.</p>
<p>Crowley sauntered over, pausing for a second as he passed Aziraphale. The angel <em>knew</em> he could see right past all the principalities' defenses; way better than the archangels had. That gave Crowley an advantage over him. If the serpent so wished, he could <em>easily</em> exploit all the vulnerable parts of Aziraphale with terrifying precision. </p>
<p>The two entered the shop.</p>
<p>"Want to tell me what's going on?" Crowley asked, eyeing the fortress Aziraphale had created earlier in the day warily. He lifted a book that was out of place, inspecting it.</p>
<p>Aziraphale shuddered, hating this feeling of not knowing what the correct answer was. What was he supposed to say? What was Crowley looking for? </p>
<p>"Eh," the angel laughed nervously, fighting the urge to fidget, "Just, it's- it's going to take me a few days to get- get used to it. Erm… being loved, that is."</p>
<p>The serpent shot him a perplexed look.</p>
<p>"But not too long." Aziraphale rushed to appease, smiling weakly, "I promise, I'll be quick about it. I’ll be tip-top in no time, just- just a few days… please?" the archangels had liked it when he was polite, maybe Crowley would to?</p>
<p>"I don't see how that’s possible," Crowley said, placing the book in its proper location. </p>
<p>Aziraphale's heart plummeted. If he didn't have time to prepare then he was bound to mess up — he was bound to mess up anyway but this would just be <em>worse</em>. And he was not looking forward to seeing the demon’s loving side when that happened.</p>
<p>"I've been loving you for millennia. Nothing has changed."</p>
<p>Aziraphale would’ve scoffed if he wasn't so petrified. Crowley <em>hadn't</em> loved him for a millennia, that was the entire point of their relationship! This was supposed to be the angel’s <em>escape</em> from love. The only beings who had ever loved him were the ethereal ones in heaven. It was practically heaven's whole gig, where he was taught what that word <em>meant</em>.</p>
<p>Memories flashed through his head of the early days. He remembered being told he was loved over and over and over again. He remembered his first assignments, getting lost, confused, and being punished. He remembered being told all his critiques were 'for his own good', 'to be a better angel', and 'because we love you'. He remembered-</p>
<p>"Aziraphale?"</p>
<p>Crowley was right in front of him now, golden eyes out of hiding and peering at him. Aziraphale realized he must have gone silent, lost in his thoughts.</p>
<p>"Sorry, I just…" he started. What had they been talking about? What was he supposed to say? Oh right. Crowley was supposed to be loving him; the least Aziraphale could do was be present for it.</p>
<p>"Hey, it's okay." Crowley soothed. Aziraphale tried not to flinch. People who loved him were never nice unless they had a threat or jibe hidden up their sleeve. He had fallen down that road many times; preening from a compliment or a kind word only to be shot down by a harsh ‘suggestion’ immediately after.</p>
<p>The angel felt tears well in his eyes. He couldn't do this, he couldn't. He wanted those nice words and phrases to just be that, nice. He didn't want Crowley to love him. He just wanted Crowley to be Crowley. He wanted to continue whatever dynamic they had. He didn't want to change.</p>
<p>The demon hushed him, which was weird considering Aziraphale hadn't been talking, "Don't cry angel."</p>
<p>His breath hitched as he found himself being pulled into a gentle hug. They had never touched like this before... but other entities that loved him had. </p>
<p>Aziraphale squeezed his eyes shut, bracing for the worst. Whether it be jibes at his size or shape, brutal squeezes, or harsh words disguised as formal pleasantries. He did his best to mentally prepare.</p>
<p>And yet, there was no such thing from Crowley. His touch was quite pleasant if the angel just let his mind go numb and give into the physicality of it. But alas, his thoughts were never kind to him.</p>
<p>Tears were pouring down his cheeks as he fought the urge to sob. He knew he would hurt later, immensely so. He knew that this hug would end and Crowley would have <em>something</em> to tell him. Something not nice or kind, because that's what love meant. That’s what lovers did.</p>
<p><em>Please don’t do this,</em> he begged silently, <em>I don't know what I’ll do. Why? Why do you have to love me?</em></p>
<p>There was a hand at the back of his head, holding him tight and safe. Aziraphale knew it was all an illusion, but he would be damned if he didn't relish the touch. <em>This would’ve felt so much better under different circumstances.</em></p>
<p>"What's wrong angel?" Crowley tried again softly, still holding him.</p>
<p>Aziraphale shook his head. He wanted to be truthful. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that he didn't want to be loved. But he couldn't. He had already promised that he would be good, that he could be loved.</p>
<p>"You can tell me." the demon's voice seemed to vibrate in his chest and Aziraphale could feel the movements against his own.</p>
<p>The angel sobbed into the demon's shoulder, and Crowley stiffened beneath him. The angel’s heart sank at the feeling, knowing that his peace was nearly up. The love was to come now, he was sure of it. But… he wasn’t ready. Just the mere thought... He wouldn't be able to take it, he couldn't- he couldn’t-</p>
<p>"I- I can't," he blurted, pushing himself away from the demon before Crowley had the chance. He needed to get out of here, he needed to find a place to hide. He couldn't be loved right now, it would hurt too much. He needed time to adjust. Time that he didn’t have. Crowley wouldn’t give it to him.</p>
<p>"What?" Crowley seemed bewildered at the angel’s outburst. </p>
<p>Aziraphale gulped. He had already broken his promise, hadn't even lasted two hours. "I can't be loved," he tried to explain. </p>
<p><em>Now</em>, Aziraphale thought, <em>was the part where Crowley would just keep loving, or go to sleep for centuries</em>. The principality wouldn't be able to stand either.</p>
<p>"Sure you can angel.<em> I</em> love you." Crowley emphasized as he approached slowly.</p>
<p><em>So it would be the former</em>, Aziraphale shook his head. He didn't want this, he couldn't take it. Not now. </p>
<p>"I don't want-" he was cut off by his own sobs as his composure broke and he folded in on himself.</p>
<p>Crowley froze, "Oh." he stepped back, "<em>Oh</em>." A look of horror flashed across his face.</p>
<p>The angel's legs buckled and he stumbled against the nearest thing that would support his weight. His own shaky hand coming to his mouth to prevent any more sound from escaping. It wasn’t like his pleas would be heard, let alone respected. People who loved him never did. People who loved him always kicked him when he was down. It had taken Aziraphale <em>centuries</em> to figure out ways to never let them see his weak side. Now, with Crowley, he would have to start from scratch. It was going to be <em>torture</em>.</p>
<p>He struggled to return his breathing to normal, taking several long minutes to collect himself. And even then, his face was still tear stained, and his clothes were a disheveled mess. </p>
<p>Why wasn’t Crowley hurting him? Where even was the demon?</p>
<p>"A- are you okay?" Crowley asked, now several paces away, giving the angel his space. </p>
<p>Aziraphale wasn't sure how to answer that. Was he okay? No. He was absolutely terrified that his only friend in all his existence was turning on him. Crowley said he had loved him, and only wanted to love him. That entailed certain behaviors Aziraphale had learned to anticipate. He just never expected they would come from <em>Crowley</em>.</p>
<p>"Aziraphale, <em>please</em> say something," the demon pleaded.</p>
<p>"Uh," the angel cleared his throat. <em>Was he okay?</em> "I- I don't know."</p>
<p>"Alright." Crowley breathed deeply, "What do you need?"</p>
<p>Aziraphale just needed Crowley in his life. That was simple enough, but the conditions that went with that were excruciating. And yet the alternative, unthinkable. Why couldn’t he just-</p>
<p>"What do you <em>want</em>, angel?" the demon asked again.</p>
<p>Aziraphale knew he needed to explain himself, "I- I want things to go back to how they were. I… I don't want to be loved, not- not right now... please. M- maybe a- another time?" he really hoped that this topic would never come up again, but he knew he had to appease the demon <em>somehow</em> to keep him. </p>
<p>Hopefully, he could have at least a few centuries of peace with his best friend before he committed to a loving relationship. That was, if the demon didn’t go to sleep and leave him forever first.</p>
<p>Crowley frowned, opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. He sighed and started again, "It's not really something I can control. I- I can go back to hiding it, if you want. But if that isn't enough…”</p>
<p>Aziraphale breathed deeply and thought. </p>
<p>He wanted things to go back to normal, to forget these past two days. But things could never be that easy, could they. Aziraphale now knew that his most cherished friend had this <em>feeling</em> for him and that <em>did</em> change his perspective on things. Could he continue to go out on lunch dates and dinners knowing Crowley harbored love for him? That in his companions mind there was a well of criticism and contempt aimed at him?</p>
<p>Desperately, Aziraphale wished for a scenario where Crowley had never brought this up. Then he wouldn’t have to think about it. He wouldn’t have ever wanted to know these things and could’ve lived in blissful ignorance for all of eternity. But that wasn’t a possibility for them. Not anymore.</p>
<p>A sudden flame of anger took hold in the pit of the angels stomach. It was a rarity that Aziraphale ever got angry, but now he was. </p>
<p>He had just wanted to live in peace! To be on their own side! <em>Without</em> this lovey business he had been raised with.</p>
<p>Aziraphale had risked <em>everything</em> to join Crowley in stopping the apocalypse. He had left the other entities who had loved him to live a life <em>without</em> love. He had been happy, had thought Crowley was the same. But to know that he had just left heaven's love for another person's, it made him furious. He had been deceived this <em>whole time</em>. </p>
<p>Crowley should’ve told him. Aziraphale felt he should’ve had the right to know before doing something as reckless as averting the <em>apocalypse</em>.</p>
<p>Yet, looking back, what would he have really done differently if he <em>had</em> known? Would he have stayed with heaven, given the chance to leave? </p>
<p>"Angel?" Crowley interrupted his thoughts once again. The demon was starting to look very pale.</p>
<p>Aziraphale struggled to remember what it was they were talking about, "Yes dear?"</p>
<p>"W-would you be okay if I just… didn't mention it again. I can't promise that I'll be able to stop, but- but…" Crowley looked like he was having a very hard time coming up with words. "I'll hide it as best as I can."</p>
<p>"I…" the angel heaved a heavy sigh. The image of Crowley silently judging him while they dined at the Ritz plagued him. "I don't know."</p>
<p>Perhaps, given time, Aziraphale could forget about all this. But in his current state of mind, no. He would not be okay. The fact that Crowley was still here, in his shop, loving him silently was already pushing his limit. He didn't want to think about how the demon saw him. How the 'poor principality couldn't handle being loved by <em>one</em> demon without breaking down nearly <em>immediately</em>'. </p>
<p>For someone's sake, Aziraphale had once been loved by the entire host of heaven! For ages! Why was he having such issues now?</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." the angel choked out. And he was; in some sort of sick and twisted way; he felt guilty for doing this to Crowley. For freaking out over three little words. Obviously, it was affecting the demon almost as much as it was him, and Aziraphale — despite his feelings of betrayal — still cared for the serpent more than he probably should.</p>
<p>"Don't be." Crowley said, fumbling to put his sunglasses on, "It's me who messed it up. I'm sorry… I just… I’m sorry. I should’ve never told you."</p>
<p><em>Agreed</em>, Aziraphale thought with slight contempt, <em>then I could still be believing that we had a genuine friendship</em>.</p>
<p>"I- if I leave." Crowley spoke slowly and carefully, "Will you be okay? Will you be better off?"</p>
<p>Aziraphale shrugged. The logical answer was, yes. Having a person who loved him be in his home was never a joyful experience —-- quite the opposite. With Crowley here, things were much too complicated and Aziraphale needed space to gather himself and his thoughts. </p>
<p>And yet, deep down in his core, a very important part of him didn't want Crowley to leave. Somehow, he thought that would be worse. To be alone like this. He was scared that if he broke down alone, he wouldn’t be able to pull himself back up. That the pieces of his shattered heart wouldn’t fit together as it once had.</p>
<p>Plus, if Crowley left now, there was a high possibility that he wouldn’t come back — whether it be from sleep or just a general disgust of the angel. And Aziraphale couldn’t live with himself if he pushed Crowley away for good. There was still a way to salvage what they had, there had to be.</p>
<p>"C- could…" Aziraphale swallowed nervously, "could you pretend for me now? J- just be my friend for a second?"</p>
<p>It might not make him feel better, it might make him feel worse. But if Aziraphale was anything, he was the master of self-deception. It was worth a try.</p>
<p>Crowley swallowed but nodded firmly, "'course." He offered up his trademark smirk that lasted only a moment before falling back into his morose expression. "Give me a sec." he muttered.</p>
<p>"You don't have to-"</p>
<p>"It's okay angel." Crowley sniffed and rubbed a hand over his face, "I still want to be friends, that doesn't have to change unless you want it to."</p>
<p><em>Ah</em>, that did make him feel better. Aziraphale's heart fluttered happily at the words. He adored being Crowley's friend, and had taken much pride in that fact the past few years. Hearing the demon say that he still wanted to be friends was very good… until he remembered: people who loved him were never his friends. </p>
<p>Friendship and love were <em>entirely</em> different things and it was practically impossible to have both for the same individual. So Crowley must be lying. <em>That</em> didn't feel good.</p>
<p>"Aziraphale?" Crowley called softly, "Maybe you should sit down, you're starting to shake."</p>
<p>Sitting. Aziraphale could do that. </p>
<p>He nodded. </p>
<p>Crowley approached slowly, his sunglasses hiding his eyes once again. Aziraphale tried not to flinch when the demon touched him. They were <em>friends</em> again, he had to remind himself. Crowley wasn't going to love him outwardly, he was going to be okay. </p>
<p>Aziraphale let himself be guided to the sofa and sat down stiffly. Crowley stumbled to the armchair across from him and all but collapsed on the cushion.</p>
<p>"Looks like we could both use a drink." Aziraphale laughed nervously. Crowley was his <em>friend</em>.</p>
<p>The demon grunted, snapping two wine bottles into existence, no wine glasses, "Read my mind."</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Four bottles in and two hours later, they were in a deep conversation about King Arthur. How they had gotten on this topic, no one knows. </p>
<p>Crowley's limbs were sprawled about over the chair in any and every direction. Aziraphale was leaning back against the couch, his posture a crooked mess as he lounged drunkenly.</p>
<p>"I'mmm just say-<em>hic</em>-ying…Arthur wasn't-" Crowley murmured.</p>
<p>"He was." Aziraphale blinked slowly as he tried to remember his point. All he knew was that he was right.</p>
<p>The demon sighed and started again, "Arthur wassssn't-"</p>
<p>"He <em>wassssss</em>." The angel slurred, throwing his head back and letting his tongue flicker out to mimic Crowley’s hiss.</p>
<p>"Hey!” The serpent pouted, looking offended, “You don't even know wha-<em>hic</em>-what I'm going… going to sssay." </p>
<p>Aziraphlae rolled his eyes and shifted once again, letting the conversation lull into a comfortable silence. He didn’t even know what they were talking about anymore. </p>
<p>The angel smiled to himself, forgetting why he had been so sad earlier. He knew something bad had happened, but he couldn't remember exactly what. He just tried to enjoy the moment with his best friend.</p>
<p>"Why'ssss it sssso bad?" Crowley asked abruptly, his sunglasses sliding just lopsidedly off his face as he looked over at Aziraphale.</p>
<p>The angel's brow furrowed in confusion, "What?" Had they been talking about something? He couldn’t remember.</p>
<p>The demon writhed, "Why's it ssso bad for me -<em>hic-</em> for me to love you?"</p>
<p>"Oh." Aziraphale's drunken mind didn't realize the magnitude of the question. He had forgotten all about that unfortunate sentiment the demon held for him. Frowning, he sniffed as a few not-good emotions bubbled back up.<em> Oh right</em>. </p>
<p><em>That</em> had happened earlier.</p>
<p>There was the telltale feeling of a miracle being performed and Crowley was miraculously sober. </p>
<p>"<em>Fuck</em>, sorry angel. I didn't mean-" the demon rambled an apology, looking terrified at what he had just asked. His glasses now set firmly over his eyes.</p>
<p>"Well…" Aziraphale's eyes unfocused as he disregarded whatever the demon was saying. "Love isn't a <em>bad</em> thing, it's a very good thing actually." </p>
<p>Crowley's mouth snapped shut. </p>
<p>Aziraphale continued, still drunk out of his mind, "I guess… it's just… it doesn't <em>feel</em> good. Y’know?" the angel shook his head with a drunken giggle. It was easier to talk this way, he realized. Easier to say these things when he was inebriated. He didn’t think of the consequences.</p>
<p>"Angel…"</p>
<p>Aziraphale just kept talking, "That's why I liked you -<em>hic</em>- so much. Whe-<em>hic</em>-when we first met. You were- were the firsst person to <em>not</em> love me." he yawned, reminiscing on that day in Eden. How his heart had fluttered with excitement at the sight of the serpent, how the demon's eyes were filled with some sort of strange amusement Aziraphale couldn't wait to see again. He had been so disappointed when Crowley started wearing glasses.</p>
<p><em>Glasses</em>. The angel frowned, losing track of his thought process. Crowley did have gorgeous eyes. Why did he hide them away all the time? Even when they were together? </p>
<p>"Can you take off yo-<em>hic</em>-your glasses?"</p>
<p>The demon’s mouth dropped open, "Excuse me?"</p>
<p>"Well, I like ‘em- your eyes" Aziraphale huffed like a child not getting their way, "They're very ver-<em>hic</em>-<em>very</em> pretty."</p>
<p>Crowley's cheeks tinted pink and he shakily removed the tinted glassware from his eyes, mumbling under his breath, "… and you say shit like that… what am I <em>supposed </em>to do?"</p>
<p>Aziraphale disregarded the statement, beaming up into those serpentine eyes. Absolute perfection. He wished he could stay like this forever. The ugly feelings brought up earlier slowly started to drift out of his mind. Crowley was his <em>friend</em>. Everything was fine.</p>
<p>The demon cleared his throat, "Maybe you should sober up angel."</p>
<p>Aziraphale shook his head, curling around the empty bottle of wine defensively, "’nd be sad again? No thankss… I much prefer this, I'm -<em>hic</em>- happier. <em>You…</em> you should get drunk again, then you could be happy -<em>hic</em>- to." Crowley<em> was</em> looking very concerned and sad. That wasn’t good.</p>
<p>Aziraphale much preferred when the demon was more relaxed and talking about… Arthur! <em>That's</em> what they had been talking about. They were talking about Arthur earlier.</p>
<p>"What makes you sad?" Crowley's eyes had gotten very big and very gold, Aziraphale got lost in them for a second before coming back to himself.</p>
<p>"Um…" Aziraphale didn't really want to think about love anymore, it was too painful. But… Crowley was asking, it would be rude not to answer. "I don't like it very much when… when you say you love me. Not -<em>hic</em>- good." he shook his head vigorously, giggling at how the world spun around him as he did so.</p>
<p>The demon sighed and changed position once again in the chair, "But you just said that love was good?"</p>
<p>"Doessn't <em>feeeel</em> good. ‘s different things," Aziraphale corrected, "Hurts."</p>
<p>"Hurts to love?"</p>
<p>Aziraphale shook his head again, "Hurts to <em>beee</em> loved -<em>hic</em>- I- I don't think it hurts <em>to</em> love. The archan- I don't know… No experience there." He was way too drunk for this.</p>
<p>The demon released a breath that sounded of disbelief, "Angel's are supposed to love all things."</p>
<p>"Not me." Aziraphale puckered out his lips in a pout, "I could never… not -<em>hic</em>- <em>real</em> love anyway. Humans… made a new defi- defin- meaning.” </p>
<p>"Oh?"</p>
<p>The angel nodded sincerely, feeling his blinks become slower the drowsier he got, "Yup. Clever beasts, made -<em>hic</em>- it sound so nice and… good." Did Crowley really not know this? Where had he <em>been</em> for six thousand years?</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence before Crowley spoke again, "What if… what if I told you I loved you the human way? Does that- does that change anything?"</p>
<p>Aziraphale giggled delightedly. Was the demon being serious? Human love wasn't <em>real</em>, though it was a nice sentiment. Aziraphale could relate. The amount of nights he had been curled around a romance novel were innumerable. It was quite embarrassing considering his personal views on love; but when humans did it, it was cute. </p>
<p>"Like a Jane Austen novel?" Aziraphale asked between giggles. His gaze fluttered over to his little fortress of books he had created earlier. Quite a number of them were popular romance novels and what the demon was suggesting was actually a very sweet notion. One to be found within the pages of a book.</p>
<p>Crowley smiled, a blush once again upon his cheeks, "Yes. Like a Jane Austen novel."</p>
<p>It was Aziraphale's turn to blush, "<em>Aww</em>… you silly fiend. That would be very nice."</p>
<p>"So that's okay? If I loved you like that."</p>
<p>Aziraphale wasted no time in nodding eagerly. That would be more than okay, if Crowley could somehow care for him like that. Like a human. Aziraphale would adore it. In fact, he might’ve already loved Crowley the human way. Had for centuries.</p>
<p>But it wouldn't be real love. Not the definition he had grown accustomed to growing up and serving heaven anyway.</p>
<p>"We- we can't call it that." Aziraphale struggled to get the words in order. This was important but he was growing so very tired. "I'll get -<em>hic</em>- confused."</p>
<p>"Oh? What should we call it then?" Crowley asked patiently, a genuine smile creasing his features. He looked very pretty.</p>
<p>Aziraphale paused for a second, eyes meeting the demon’s once more. Memories of their past flooded his mind. Every moment they had shared a drink, a laugh. All the times they had bailed each other out of trouble. Each time they had sought each other out. Each time they hurt. Each time they healed.</p>
<p>Crowley started rattling off different words, "Should we call it devotion? Passion? Adoration? Oh that's a good one. What about…?" but none seemed to have the ring Aziraphale was looking for. </p>
<p>The angel just continued to stare at the being he cared <em>so much</em> for. So much that it didn't seem real. It didn't seem possible and yet… it was. It was...</p>
<p>"Ineffable." Aziraphale muttered, feeling the lull of the unconscious take its toll. He blinked up at Crowley, trying to see him clearly but failed, "It's ineffable. <em>We're</em> ineffable." he managed to say before his eyes fluttered closed.</p>
<p>He didn’t see the demon gaping at him or the look of utter reverence appearing on those serpentine features. He barely heard: "Angel…you're brilliant.” before falling asleep, a smile gracing his lips.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wahoo! They talked it out! Sorta…<br/>As I said in the last chapter, this is a perfectly acceptable place to stop reading since it’s quite a hopeful ending, although I do give a bit more closure in the next chapter if you want to stick around ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Alrighty guys, are you ready for the ending to this whole mess???</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Aziraphale slowly came to consciousness, his cheek pressed heavily against a tartan pillow and his body curled up on the edge of his couch. This was all a foreign sensation since he only ever fell asleep in extremely rare cases. (Historically, when he was <em>very</em> comfortable, and <em>very</em> drunk.)</p>
<p>He grumbled and fidgeted, wiggling against the back of the sofa to get back to that pleasant unconsciousness once again. </p>
<p>It was warm. There was a tartan blanket covering him from head to toe and his head was propped up on the softest pillow he owned. It wasn’t the <em>worst</em> way to wake up, he decided.</p>
<p>Yawning, he blinked a few times to try and get his vision to focus as an orange light trickled into the book shop. </p>
<p>“G’mornin angel,” Crowley greeted, swaying into his field of vision with a tray of tea and biscuits. The demon was looking quite happy, he had taken off his shoes so he was just padding around the bookshop in patterned socks. His jacket was also off and his shirt was rolled up to his elbows. Sunglasses were nowhere to be found. “Sleep well?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale hummed and smiled lazily up at the demon, still in the hazy not-really-awake state that always happened immediately after waking. He couldn’t remember much or even why Crowley was here in the first place but he wasn’t complaining. He always enjoyed when the demon came over unexpectedly.</p>
<p>“Wonderfully my dear.” the angel sat himself up groggily, “May I ask what brings you here so early? You’re usually the one to be caught sleeping, not me.”</p>
<p>Crowley blinked once and the tea tray clanked down on the table abruptly, “You don’t remember?”</p>
<p>The angel shrugged as he settled himself against the couch, “I’m sure it’ll come back to me in a moment. I usually only fall asleep if I’ve gotten expertly drunk beforehand. Were we, perhaps, drinking together last night?”</p>
<p>Crowley nodded.</p>
<p>“Well, that explains it then,” Aziraphale reached for the cup of tea, thinking this conversation was over. The events of last night would wash over him soon enough — they always did — so might as well enjoy the breakfast Crowley had prepared in the meantime.</p>
<p>The demon, on the other hand, seemed conflicted. He grumbled, pacing away, “... I <em>told</em> you to sober up but no-…” Aziraphale couldn’t hear much more than that.</p>
<p>He frowned as he bit delicately into a biscuit. </p>
<p>Had something important happened last night that he was too drunk to remember? Usually Aziraphale had an impeccable memory when it came to their drunk escapades — Crowley being the one who drank too much that his memory got fuzzy. Since when had the roles been reversed?</p>
<p>“Did I... <em>do</em> something?” Aziraphale called out to the serpent as he disappeared down one of the aisles.</p>
<p>“Uh no… no. Nope,” Crowley all but growled back, then under his breath mutter, “<em>Stupid! </em>I <em>…!</em>” The rest was muffled.</p>
<p>The angel sipped at his tea as worry took hold in his gut. Something obviously had happened, and now he had upset Crowley by forgetting it.</p>
<p>The demon rounded out of the aisle and stalked over to Aziraphale, “Do you remember the past two days… at all?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale scoffed, “Well of course I-” he frowned, his eyebrows knitting together in concentration as he realized the past two days <em>were</em> a bit foggy. He remembered feeling scared — maybe that’s why he had drank so much — there was also anger and sadness mixed in, but he failed to recall what had occurred to warrant such emotions.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck</em>...” Crowley groaned, dragging a hand down his face as he stomped away again, down another aisle. There was a loud thump and his footsteps stopped abruptly.</p>
<p>Aziraphale sat in confusion, desperately trying to remember. They had gone to the Ritz last night, he knew that, but it wasn’t pleasant. He couldn’t remember why. Eating with Crowley was <em>always</em> pleasant. What made last night any different?</p>
<p>He screwed his face up in concentration as he tried to recall <em>before</em> the Ritz. There was something that happened before. He could feel it...</p>
<p>‘<em>I love you</em>.’</p>
<p>Aziraphale choked, the teacup shaking in his hand, warm liquid spilling over the sides.</p>
<p><em>That</em>… Crowley had said <em>that</em> two days prior.</p>
<p>He quickly set the cup down lest he accidentally drop it.</p>
<p>Memories started to flood back as the haze of sleep dissipated. The fear and terror that those three words had evoked made an unwelcome appearance. </p>
<p>His hands fidgeted together, trying to combat the stress. There was a ball of nerves and nausea making a home for itself in his gut.</p>
<p>“Aziraphale?” Crowley called, making no movement to come back out the aisle, “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>The angel gulped, “T- tickety-boo dear.” He squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to remember last night. Something important had happened then. Something that made this all better. He was sure of it...</p>
<p>“I’m beginning to suspect that when you say ‘tickety-boo’ you mean the opposite.” Crowley called out.</p>
<p>Right. The angel blinked his eyes open again. He was <em>not</em> okay. Not tickety-boo. But something had <em>happened</em> last night. He would’ve never fallen asleep if he thought Crowley loved him; and yet the memories continued to be vague. Afterall, he had been <em>really</em> drunk.</p>
<p>The demon sighed loudly and there was the sound of movement and red curls followed by brilliantly gold eyes peeked out from between the bookshelves. </p>
<p>“Does ‘ineffable’ ring a bell?”</p>
<p>
  <em>‘What if… what if I told you I loved you the human way? Does that- does that change anything?’</em>
</p>
<p>Aziraphale stared at where Crowley was peeking out, the conversation from the previous night washing over him.</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Like a Jane Austen novel?’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘Yes. Like a Jane Austen novel.’</em>
</p>
<p>Crowley leaned out a little further, sliding on socked feet. </p>
<p>
  <em>‘So that's okay? If I loved you like that.’</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>‘We- we can't call it that. I'll get confused.’</em>
</p>
<p>“Angel?” the demon called out, stepping closer.</p>
<p>Aziraphale heaved a shuddering sigh and he felt tears slowly track down his face. <em>Ineffable</em>. That’s what they were, that’s what he had called it, this human love Crowley felt for him. That they felt for each other.</p>
<p>“Ineffable,” the angel said slowly and nodded. He remembered now, remembered everything.</p>
<p>Crowley nodded in return, “Yes, ineffable.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale hummed solemnly, wiping away the stray tears.<em> He was fine</em>. </p>
<p>He picked up his tea cup once again. This was <em>not</em> the roller coaster of emotions he had wanted to wake up to this morning. He was still thoroughly confused. Most of the things he had said last night — even though they were all true — were said out of drunkenness and not in a proper mindset.</p>
<p>What they had agreed to, though it was rather nice to think about, still didn’t change the fact that it <em>wasn’t real</em>.</p>
<p>The angel blinked a few times, attempting to ground himself. He should address it. </p>
<p>“My dear…” He cleared his throat, glancing up nervously to the demon across from him, “while the sentiment of- erh… human love is really quite sweet, It’s not something we’re supposed to feel.”</p>
<p>Crowley frowned and shuffled over.</p>
<p>“What I mean to say is- is that- well...”</p>
<p>“Angel…” the demon started softly, his golden irises were filling up his entire eye it seemed and peering at him so intently. “We’ve talked about this.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale snapped his mouth shut, glancing between Crowley and his teacup nervously.</p>
<p>“I- I know but- but- but I was <em>quite</em> inebriated at the time and it doesn’t change... it doesn’t change the fact that human love isn’t real,” he blurted, clenching the cup between his fingers, “At least not for us.”</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence.</p>
<p>“What exactly do you think real love is?” Crowley asked, his eyes glancing up briefly to catch the angels.</p>
<p>Aziraphale laughed nervously. How was he supposed to explain this <em>again</em>?</p>
<p>“Well, you remember heaven, don’t you?” he started.</p>
<p>The demon nodded. “What does heaven have to do with ‘love’ angel?”</p>
<p>“I mean… they loved me. I was raised- they taught me what it was,” the angel stammered out, “They were quite consistent about it too.” He didn’t mention how awful and terrifying the lessons had been.</p>
<p>“They taught you it was supposed to hurt?”</p>
<p>Aziraphale sighed, “Well not <em>directly</em> but it was very much implied.”</p>
<p>The room fell silent as the principality fidgeted wordlessly. How was he supposed to explain his experiences to Crowley? He already mentioned it being like heaven, what more was there to say? Shouldn’t that have been enough?</p>
<p>“As- as someone who has gone to heaven in your place…” Crowley started, “I think it is a very real possibility that heaven <em>didn’t</em> love you angel.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale blinked at the abrupt statement, “Of course they did, they told me... It’s their whole... thing.” his voice wavered, “What else would they be doing?”</p>
<p>“I just mean… Whe-” Crowley coughed and cleared his throat, “They tried to <em>kill</em> you.”</p>
<p>“That’s just how their love is.” Aziraphale came to the archangeld’s defense easily.</p>
<p>The demon swallowed, his face flushing, “You mean- They hurt you — attempted to hurt you — like that... <em>before</em>?”</p>
<p>“N- not exactly…” he looked down at his palms now folded in his lap. He hadn’t been threatened with hellfire before. However a mirage of other subtle threats came to mind. “Listen, Crowley… my dear… I hate what they did to me, but I’m sure that’s every angel’s experience up there. It’s love after all. I just- I guess I was the one angel that couldn’t handle it well.”</p>
<p>“Couldn’t handle-!” Crowley fumed and hissed to calm himself. “Angel you are the strongest person I know. The way they treated you was unfair and abusive and- and- and the list could go on! But please believe me when I say that it <em>wasn’t</em> love. It was anything but.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale bowed his head and tried to take into consideration what Crowley was saying. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it though, it seemed so opposite to what he had come to know in all his years of existence.</p>
<p>“Like- like these books!” Crowley gestured wildly to Aziraphale’s collection of romance novels, “Love really is just as mushy and gooey and lovely as what all the humans write about! Please angel… believe me,” </p>
<p>Aziraphale fidgeted his hands in his lap. Could the demon be right? Crowley <em>had</em> gone to heaven in the principalities place those many years ago. He knew him better than <em>anybody</em>, knew his situation and relationships better than sometimes Aziraphale himself did. </p>
<p>But the principality had never considered that what heaven was doing was <em>wrong</em>, that they were lying to him about love.</p>
<p>Crowley started talking again, “But- but we don’t have to <em>call</em> it that — if it’ll make you feel better. We can just call it ‘ineffable’ or whatever clever words you come up with. I’m not picky...”</p>
<p>The demon's ramblings drifted off as Aziraphale continued to ponder this new perspective. Could the humans have been right this entire time? Was his treatment in heaven not what he thought it was? Was all the trials he had gone through, bidding the archangels will, serving no higher moral purpose in the name of love?</p>
<p>“<em>I</em> thought it was love.” the principality said — mainly to himself — voice barely above a whisper. A feeling of great sadness overcame him. Had he really misunderstood <em>everything</em>?</p>
<p>The principality’s breath came quickly as he took in everything that had happened. He had felt similarly to this after the apocalypse, when he had been freed from his obedience to heaven. Although, back then, he had ended up feeling mostly relieved. Now, however, he just felt sad and confused.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry angel,” Crowley sat gingerly down next to him.</p>
<p>“<em>I’m</em> sorry.” The angel whispered, blinking back tears as he glanced at the demon. But he couldn’t maintain eye contact. His gaze landed on his chest. “I’m so sorry.” This had all been his fault, this entire ordeal could’ve been avoided if he had just <em>known</em>. If he had looked around and realized <em>he</em> had been the one who didn’t know a thing about love, not the demon.</p>
<p>“Aziraphale…”</p>
<p>Arms wrapped around the angel’s shoulders enveloping him in a tight hug. A tear escaped the corner of Aziraphale’s eye as he leaned into that warmth. </p>
<p>Crowley rubbed up and down the angel’s upper arm, muttering softly, “I’m sorry for bringing this all up.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale sobbed, turning into the demon’s body to avoid being seen. “‘S not your fault.” he choked out through his tears. </p>
<p>“And I’m still sorry.”</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence as Aziraphale shuddered against him, clenching his hands into tight fists to get himself to <em>stop crying</em>. But it seemed the floodgates had been opened and there was no way of stopping them until he was all cried out.</p>
<p>“I know now is not the time but…” Crowley rubbed a hand up and down Aziraphale’s back soothingly. “We should talk about this, properly. When you’re ready of course. It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, take all the time you need. You know I’ll wait for you.”</p>
<p>The angel sucked in a slow breath, he wrapped his arms around the demon's waist. “Just don’t- don’t sleep for centuries… please?” he stuttered. He couldn’t bear it if Crowley just up and left him. Especially after all of this, he needed some stability in his life.</p>
<p>“I won’t, promise.” Crowley ducked his head onto the angel’s shoulder, “That was a cruel idea, I’m sorry for saying that. I- I wasn’t in the right headspace.”</p>
<p>The angel’s hold tightened on the demon, squeezing his eyes shut at the prospect of what the demon must have gone through these past few days — because of <em>Aziraphale’s </em>actions. Being so cruelly rejected by the angel — not for the first time, the principality reminded himself bitterly — and trying to navigate what was going on within the terrified angel’s mind. It must’ve been awful. Crowley had truly done his best, and they had figured it out in the end; but the demon had still been hurt. </p>
<p>After everything with the apocalypse and Antichrist, Aziraphale had vowed to himself to never be so vile towards the demon again; and yet here they were.</p>
<p>He clutched at the demon tightly, wondering how he could ever make it up to him. How was Crowley ever so patient with the angel, always? </p>
<p>Alas, that was a conversation for another day. For now, he just had the demon within his arms and he never wanted to let go. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How are you feeling today angel?” the demon smiled as he swayed over to the Aziraphale’s bench and slouched into a vaguely sitting position. They had agreed to meet here on this bright Sunday morning in St. James Park — a miracle really. It was a little less than a week since their little misunderstanding and they had taken a few days for themselves in the meantime. Aziraphale needed to wrap his mind around a few things and Crowley needed a drink, so it all worked out in the end.</p>
<p>The angel grinned, “Wonderful my dear. And you?”</p>
<p>“Just dandy.” The serpent smirked and sniffed at the sudden breeze drifting through the park, when nothing interesting came up he turned back to the angel. “Are you ready to talk about… this?” he gestured vaguely between the two of them.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“Where would you like to start?” The demon asked, folding his sunglasses off his face and placing them down at his side. His eyes looked magnificent in the morning light. </p>
<p>“I was rather hoping I could ask you a question my dear.” Aziraphale said, folding his hands neatly in his lap. “If that’s alright.”</p>
<p>Crowley nodded.</p>
<p>“What’s your definition of love?”</p>
<p>The demon hummed and a soft smile appeared on his lips as he seemed to contemplate the question. “Well… it’s different for everyone, isn’t it.”</p>
<p>The angel rolled his eyes, “That’s why I’m asking <em>you,</em> dear.”</p>
<p>Crowley chuckled, “It was something I was hoping to explore with you — since there’s so many different kinds — but if you’re looking for an answer <em>now</em>. Let’s see…” The demon’s gaze went distant as he looked out across the water. </p>
<p>“I guess… For me,  I like the way humans do it — well their definition I guess. It should feel good on both sides, like you always have someone in your corner. Someone who makes you feel safe and content and happy.” a blissful smile appeared on Crowley’s face, “Someone you’re able to confide in and trust unconditionally...” The demon blushed and looked down slightly, his golden irises were practically glowing in the sunlight.</p>
<p>“I understand,” Aziraphale nodded, his chest near bursting with an emotion he could now label as ‘ineffable’. “Where I get confused though is that I’ve been feeling like that way about you since the day we met. I mean... of course it wasn’t always possible for us to be physically affectionate like humans do — with our opposing sides and all — but the feelings you described were all there.”</p>
<p>“You <em>what</em>?”</p>
<p>The angel sighed, “I thought that was just how one normally thought about a friend or more. Humanity's differing relationship criteria always confused me. Besides-”</p>
<p>“Angel, you can’t just <em>say</em> that.” Crowley sputtered, his eyes blown wide.</p>
<p>“Oh I’m terribly sorry.” Aziraphale blushed as embarrassment took hold. He must’ve misunderstood something, “If there’s something I’m missing then please continue. I didn’t mean to talk over you.”</p>
<p>Crowley pressed his palms against his eyes, taking deep breaths. It was a minute before he spoke again.</p>
<p>“I… I didn’t know that.” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“Didn’t know what?”</p>
<p>The demon gulped, “That you felt that way, since… since the beginning.” he breathed in and out again, “I mean I suspected after the apocalypse that maybe you had feelings for me but I didn’t… I didn’t <em>know</em>.”</p>
<p>“Oh my dear…” Aziraphale bit his lip and glanced over at the demon who seemed to be crumpling into himself. The angel reached out a hand to gently pat Crowley’s knee in what he hoped to be a comforting motion.</p>
<p>“That’s why I brought this all up!” Crowley’s hands ripped from his face and now were fisted by his sides, “I was seeing signs and I didn’t want to be presumptuous, or- or move too <em>fast</em>. I just- I just wanted to maybe start being a little more affectionate. Wanted to check in with you and make sure I wasn’t… Ngk... This is all my fault, if I had just...”</p>
<p>“Crowley…” </p>
<p>The demon’s eyes were brimming with tears as he faced him, making the angel feel absolutely awful. Yet, he knew he had to say something. It wouldn’t do to have Crowley blaming himself for his mess.</p>
<p>“I don’t blame you one bit for the way things panned out. We both know that it was my actions that caused the damage and I do take responsibility for them. None of this was your fault.” Crowley opened his mouth to speak but Aziraphale rushed on, “We can play the blame game all we want but it won’t change anything. The best thing we can do is move forward.” He sighed heavily, “And I want you to know that the way I feel about you is ineffable regardless of anything you could ever possibly do. So please don’t... you did nothing wrong.” </p>
<p>Crowley turned away, a blush high on his cheeks.</p>
<p>“Nevertheless,” the angel started again, ready to move past the topic and back onto something a bit more pleasant for the two of them. “I’m still curious my dear. I’ll admit your definition of love is much more appealing than mine. What exactly do you like about human love?”</p>
<p>The demon glared at Aziraphale for changing the subject but went along with it anyways. “The romantic stuff always appealed to me, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” he grumbled, trying to regain a semblance of ‘cool’ and failed miserably. “I like how humans show affection, being close all the time and… stuff.”</p>
<p>Aziraphale smiled fondly at the serpent.</p>
<p>“Like… er…” Crowley’s cheeks reddened impossibly more and his hands went to his sunglasses as he began to fiddle with them, “Like holding hands and um… cuddling and er… kissing.” The last word was muffled by a discreet cough but Aziraphale heard it anyway.</p>
<p>“That sounds absolutely wonderful. I would gladly do any number of human coupling habits with you.”</p>
<p>“Would you really?” Crowley’s eyes seemed to double in size as he looked up.</p>
<p>Aziraphale pulled the demon into a hug, testing out the waters, “It would be my pleasure dearest,” he pulled away.</p>
<p>“Because we don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Crowley sniffed, smiling while reaching to take the angel's hands into his own. “We can do whatever we like. I was rather hoping... we could figure this ‘love’ thing on our own, not <em>exactly</em> like the humans. Make our own definition — so to speak.”</p>
<p>The principality squeezed the demon’s palms. He leaned forward and pressed a chast kiss to the demon’s lips, “Then let’s create a new one my dear.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wahoo! They figured it out guys, they did it! I hope this ending was satisfying for you and thank you for everyone who stuck with me through each update. Your comments and kudos really do make my week &lt;3 I hope you guys enjoyed and wish you all happy reading! &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you all enjoyed! I'll post again next Monday &lt;3 Come hang out with me on <a href="https://organizechaoss.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> !</p></blockquote></div></div>
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